You might be a redneck if...

  1. Your family tree does not fork.
  2. Your richest relative called you over to help take the wheels off his new house.
  3. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth while telling the state trooper to "kiss her ass."
  4. You spent you family's grocery money, because you just had to have a set of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps for your pickup truck.
  5. You've ever used lard in bed.
  6. You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
  7. There is a stuffed possum mounted in your home.
  8. You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
  9. Less than half the cars that you own run.
  10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
  11. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
  12. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
  13. Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan at least once.
  14. You've ever yelled "rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
  15. Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
  16. You've ever barbequed Spam on the grill.
  17. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  18. You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture.
  19. You prominantly display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  20. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
  21. Your mother keeps a spittoon on the ironing board.
  22. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  23. The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What are you looking at, shithead?!"
  24. You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
  25. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  26. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  27. You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  28. You've even been too drunk to fish.
  29. You use a rag as a gas cap.
  30. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
  31. Your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  32. After making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
  33. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
  34. You own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
  35. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  36. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
  37. You've ever been to a funeral where there are more pick-up trucks than cars.
  38. Your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
  39. You have a Hefty bag for the passenger-side window of your car.
  40. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
  41. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  42. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  43. Your idea of fiscal responsibility is having enough money to keep beer in the fridge and gas in the truck.
  44. You think BMW are the call letters of a radio station.
  45. You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  46. You have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves.
  47. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
  48. If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  49. If your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.
  50. You consider yourself to have a personalized license plate, as your father made it for you in prison.
  51. You think 'Volvo' is part of a woman's anatomy.
  52. When asked for I.D., you show your belt buckle.
  53. Your father persuades you to quite school, as there's a job opening at the Jiffy Lube.
  54. You've broken more than one tooth trying to open a bottle of beer.
  55. You need only one more hole punched in your card for a free tatoo.

Craig Duttweiler
June 1995